I might as well be a private detective

So, I mean seriously, why are you going to sit there and lie to my face? Does my bored, glazed over expression every time you speak give off the impression that I am dimwitted? If that is the case I will try to appear more interested in our conversations, because either your mental ability is so low that you don't understand why I ask a very detailed, explicit question-or you think that my intelligence is too low to realize you are telling a big ol' fat fib. Either case is not a good one. Ladies and gents, mostly gents, don't act like you're not impressed over what you are about to read.

First I will address the men: Men, if your woman thinks you are lying, or even if she knows you are telling the truth, you sure as hell better have all your ducks in a row because she will double check everything you say. EVERYTHING.  Why? Because we know that men are shady as fuck. If a woman asks you a very specific, detailed question- you damn well better come clean even if you told the whole truth, half the truth, 3/4 of the truth or none of it. Because there is one reason and one reason only that that overly specific question is being asked: She already knows the answer. Mind blown? I know. If your lady is nice enough to give you this one opportunity to come clean, you damn well better come clean. She might accept your lying response and pretend to believe it. But that is just the beginning inside her mind she is hatching a plan, a plan that will catch you completely off guard-and when the moment is just right, she will launch her nuclear attack and you will be left so completely incapacitated you'll wish someone would just shoot you to put you out of your misery.

You might be asking yourself "How the hell does she know the truth? I was so sneaky!" Well men, you can quit stroking your beards because I am about to tell you a woman's most powerful secret: The gift of gab, and the gift of unfailing intuition. Women will talk to whoever the hell they need to talk to, to get the information they are after. Besides talking women like to partake in research, and by research I mean facebook stalking, or google stalking. We will find out everything about everyone you have so much as sneezed next to.  Any women who denies this is lying.

So for the ladies, I'd hate to rewrite everything I wrote above, and since we are all on the same page, we pretty much know that we don't trust each other. When you are asking me a very specific question I know you are asking me for two reasons: 1) you already know the answer and want to see just how much you can't trust me; and 2) you need to get the information for someone else who is curious.

In conclusion: people in general are shady. Trust no one and you'll live a happy life.